All the Single Ladies…

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Oh V-Day. If only you were that easy....

Yep. It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m single. I am really excited to watch you get flowers at the office and listen to you complain about where you’re going to dinner.  I’m feeling very sympathetic that you couldn’t get into that other place you wanted because Mister Schleppy McProcrastinator-Pants waited until the day before to make a reservation.  I’m happy to tell you all about the delicious meal I had there since my lover’s name is Food. I love to make out with Food. He’s so hot, except when he’s well, gelato or something like that. I can totally understand why you’ll be returning that Dooney & Bourke because he should know you by now.  You like Dolce & Gabbana, right? Shame on that idiot for mixing up his D-brands! Oh, you don’t really like the Swarovski crystal Hello Kitty bauble hanging off your neck because you wanted that key pendant from Tiffany & Co.? Whoopdeefriggin’ doo. Keep it up, lady, and that bauble of yours is about to become a noose.

Whoa. Lady Sensory is kind of a cranky snatch today. Sorry about that little rant. It’s just…well… I’m going to get straight to the point. I got this in the mail from none other than my father, the infamous Crazy Bob:

I have no words. Wait, apparently I do if I'm writing about this....

Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day to your single daughter quite like a snide, sniping comment disguised as a gift of “clarity” bath salts.

Whatever.

I’m taking in it stride. To prove that I know what I want, I’m going to make a list of top 12 things that I absolutely do NOT want. Yeah. That’s called irony. It’s also called a process of elimination. Men, please take note – if you see something that describes you on the list below, keep right on walking. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Lady Sensory’s 12 Deadly Dealbreakers:

12) You are too old. Trust me, if you look like Papa Smurf or Daddy Warbucks, you are too old for me. I don’t care that I’m thirty-something. I’m not desperate. If you could be my father, you are too old for me. People can become baby-daddies at a relatively young age. I don’t buy into that whole May-December romance bit. If you were in high school when I was playing with my Sea-Wees in the bathtub, then you are too old for me.  This also goes the other way. I’m no cougar. I just want to be able to laugh about M.C. Hammer pants with you. I’d like to look back at our previous lives and marvel at how my big nineties-hair complements your Seattle grunge flannel.  A range of three to five years older or younger than I am seems pretty fair and reasonable.

11) You are incarcerated or have been incarcerated. Do I really need to explain this? No, I don’t think so.

10) You are dumber than a box of rocks. Examples include not knowing the difference between the following: to, too and two; their, they’re and there; your and you’re. Yes, I do need you to be able to articulate that you are crazy about me and I’d definitely like it to read above the third-grade level. Please also note the correct spelling of the word, definitely.

9) You have children from a previous relationship. Harsh? Maybe, but I’m not really interested in dating a day care or an instant family. I don’t really want to deal with custody, child support, and/or your ex.

8) You are addicted to things that would render you as chronically sloppy, high, or an otherwise gross companion.

7) You steal money from your significant other’s accounts to fuel your gambling, strip club, porn, or drug habits (see #8 above).

6) You lie. And yes, omissions ARE lies. Don’t even get me started.

5) You have a history of being physically or emotionally unfaithful.

4) You are emotionally, psychologically, financially or physically abusive.

3) You own any kind of attack dog.  If that sounds harsh again, sorry, but an old friend of mine had a pit bull that took a chunk out of a man’s rear end while they were getting it on. As much as I’d like a few inches off my backside right now, I just don’t have the time for hospitalization. Nor do I have the spare plastic surgery money to repair that kind of nonsense. Please realize that I’m still trying to figure out if I can trust that you will not bite me in the rear. I can’t be worried about Ruby the Rottweiler’s mood swings.

2) You are cheap/selfish. When I say cheap, I don’t mean poor; I understand when people fall on hard times. I’m referring to a lack of generosity that comes off as selfish and/or rude. Examples include: purposely trying to get out of buying me a drink, dinner, or birthday gift just because you think you can get away with it (see my post, Love on the Rocks, if you need more info). I’m very self-sufficient. I really don’t need to you to buy me anything, but I do want to be with a thoughtful person who treats me like a lady. Please note that I’m not just referring to material things; I’m also talking about being stingy with your emotions.  No one likes being taken for granted or made to feel unappreciated. I’m watching how you treat other people, too.

1) You’re just not that into me. Seriously. Stop talking about yourself for a minute and ask me a question or two. Grow up and please don’t waste my time if you aren’t looking for a commitment. I want a confident take-charge kind of man who puts in an honest effort. I want to be pursued in a way that excites me, and not in a manner that suggests desperation or neediness. I want the fireworks, bells, whistles, alarms, sparks, and butterflies. I want your thoughts to match your words. I want your words to match your actions. Heck, I want the works.

See, I actually do know what I want.

In fact, I went to the store and bought something I wanted to celebrate and toast the best Valentine ever.

Oh I'm fancy, huh?

Yay! Cheers to ME!

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4 thoughts on “All the Single Ladies…

  1. clairelovescraigslist

    Cheers to the Veuve! You had me at the Hello Kitty Necklace turned noose. What’s frightening is that too many of my married friends settled on one or two of these on your list and are miserable and/or going through a divorce. Good on ya for not compromising!

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