23 Things I Inadvertently Learned From My Mother

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Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers out there!  I’ve been looking through some old photographs lately.  It’s amazing what absurdities you can discover about yourself while reflecting on how you became the person you are today.  I thought I’d celebrate Mother’s Day by sharing these little gems.  Please note, since my mother is no longer alive, and I have no kids of my own, I’ve simply taken the liberty of talking to my childhood-self from a mother’s perspective. Enjoy!

23)  Hey kid, you are going to say the phrase, “Talk to the hand,” more often than you’ll ever care to admit. Thanks to my exposing you to Judge Judy, you’ll also say things like, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining,” and, “Hey – beauty fades, but dumb is forever.”

22)  You’re smiling now, but when you get older and realize that we dressed you up like this doll, you’re going to be so creeped-out.

21)  We were happy to send you to college and grad school.  But really, it won’t take two psychology degrees to realize that Sigmund Freud would have a field day with this picture.

20)  You’ll be glad your aunt showed you how to high-five.  You’re going to use that a lot, even if it’s hella-lame.

19)  I’m glad we finally found some interesting headgear for you to wear on that Big Wheel of yours.  Safety first!

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18)  Dressing up like Oscar the Grouch allowed you to be grouchy once a year. Please take a PMS pill if you feel the need to be grouchy once a month.

17)  Spring break looks good on you. This is precisely why you never went and as a result, never wound up in a Girls Gone Wild video.  It was for your own damn good.  You’re welcome.

16)  Someday you’re going to think that rust-colored vintage Nova you hated was actually cool; and you’ll regret buying that Ginger-Cabbage Patch Kid. Orange car: awesome. Orange hair: not so much.

15)  Most things in life can be accomplished very easily with a great pair of shades and a rabbit between your legs.

14)  Believe it or not, you actually did more constructive things at the New York State Fair than playing I Got It and laughing at mullets.

13)  You’re going to learn from your father that it’s perfectly acceptable to get sloppy on a golf course.  In fact, you’ll see executives doing just that when you work at your medical equipment sales job.

12)  Just because we gave you a book entitled, “The Little Red Caboose,” doesn’t mean you can throw all your money away on Victoria’s Secret crap.  And for God’s sake don’t start calling them panties. I hate that word.

11)  The fact that you can be this excited about oral hygiene while being exposed to that hideous wallpaper that looks like it was created by Claude Monet’s starving-artist-friend shows you are one tenacious kid. Either that, or you’re blind. Seriously, why are you not throwing up?

10)  By dressing you in this God-awful snowsuit, we’ve basically ensured there will be no teenage pregnancies in this household.  You can make as many milkshakes as you want, young lady, but you’ll be bringing no boys to the yard while you’re in that heinous get-up.

9)  This picture should teach you that you should always wash your produce and never, never, never buy a romper as an adult.  I don’t care if J-Simp and Kim Kardashian have one. You’re going to look ridiculous when you are no longer 6.

8)  You’re going to train Santa to give you what you want by first meeting him eye-to-eye, and then beating the living daylights out of him.  You go, girl!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

7)  Thanks to me, no matter where you are, you are always going to prefer to be at the beach.  Sorry.

6)  Believe it or not, there are actually waterfalls at Niagara Falls and not just casinos and male strippers.

5)  I’m so proud.  I can tell by the look on your face that even at the tender age of 9 months, you’ve realized that riding the hobby-horse with a nerd or a short man who prefers loud pants is totally going to ruin your street cred. 

4) Your affinity for the Smurfs is totally going to haunt you later in life.  Carrying around that lunchbox and hanging out with that tramp, Smurfette, at the Ice Capades have only set you up for failure. You have creepy 56-year old Papa Smurfs winking at you on match.com.  I should never have let you near those little blue people.

3) This “Irish Goodbye” training below is totally going to help you out in college and at networking events in your professional life.

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2) As you grow older, you are going to need to rethink the placement of appliqués on your attire so that they will not be confused with pasties. 

1) You will never yearn for a pointy hat, ever. Your life is yours.  So whether you are 2 or 2+ 30-something years old, your life and your fun will always be what you make of it.  And, no matter how crappy it gets or whether you believe it or not, you’ll always have what you need because I gave it to you.

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5 thoughts on “23 Things I Inadvertently Learned From My Mother

    • Thanks! That’s funny because I thought you had met her my senior year. I know Josh did. She used to ask about you when I was in my first year of grad school (since we enjoyed our Captain Morgan’s, classic movies and those “packs of 20 friends” at our Founder’s Hall parties). Those were the days….

  1. Beth

    oh my gosh girl, you made me laugh hysterically (of course) and tear up a little. I”m so sure that you’re mom is smiling down and you and so proud of the amazing woman that you are. xoxo

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