Our book club has yet to discuss Fifty Shades of Grey simply because the “Book Club Officiant” is annoyed with the book and has yet to finish. So the book discussion a.k.a. wine-guzzling has been postponed. In the meantime, I have already finished the second book selection, White Girl Problems, by Babe Walker. I found it to be a highly amusing and quick read. I’d describe it as the literary equivalent of Conan O’Brien doing a “What if they mated?” segment with David Sedaris juxtaposed against Paris Hilton.
Babe Walker is not a real person, which is unfortunate, because she’s really entertaining and I bet she would give Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb a run for their money on a morning talk show. She would have to be censored, of course, but it would be fun to count all the beeps. Babe Walker was created by Lara Schoenhals, Tanner Cohen and David Oliver Cohen as some sort of book spin-off from a Twitter account. Crazy, huh? Hey, whatever works. I’m not giving anything away when I tell you that my favorite chapter is the one where she has her mental breakdown and spends $246,893.50 in Barneys, which lands her in rehab for her shopping addiction. I mean, if you have the financial means and you’re about to lose your mind, why not do it in a Barneys? I would actually plan my breakdown by starting in the fragrance section. I would begin with some Frederic Malle, then Serge Lutens, and eventually finish up at the L’Artisan counter. What can I say? I find big white florals therapeutic and the “aromatherapy” might offset the potential damage upon my arrival in handbags and clothing.
As I read this book, I became more attuned to my own White Girl Problems (WGPs). For example, this past year I experienced an unfortunate meat delivery issue with UPS and called Williams-Sonoma. I hysterically cried over my fancy Fermin pork purchase (grass and acorn-fed hogs) and informed them about how the mean UPS lady was going to let my beautiful pork sit at the dispatch and rot over the weekend instead of coming back out to attempt redelivery. The Williams-Sonoma rep kindly refunded me and sent me a $75 gift card for my inconvenience. When you sob like a baby over ridiculously expensive pork, you are clearly experiencing a WGP.
I believe my WGPs manifested at a young age. I can recall a particular WGP incident with two girls who lived on my street. I’m reluctant to call them friends because my mother once told me that they weren’t my friends, they were neighbors. I promptly informed them of this and they cried. I had no filter and didn’t realize this was not a nice thing to say. Good times were not to be had for several weeks. My mother told me not to repeat her statements outside of the house. One day, Neighbor Girls and I were lamenting about our issues. I think we might have been 7 or 8 at the time. Here goes:
Neighbor Girl 1: “I really wish my parents would stop smoking pot when they drink. It’s really embarrassing. The cops came the other night and my dad had to hide his stash.”
Baby Girl Sensory: “Your parents smoke pot? Where do they smoke it? In the living room where all the spiders are?” (Again, something my mother had noticed that I repeated. Whoops!)
Neighbor Girl 2: “I really hope my dad gets out of jail this year. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him.”
Baby Girl Sensory: “What’s he in jail for? Did he kill someone?”
Neighbor Girl 2: “No, he stole stuff.”
Baby Girl Sensory: “Oh.”
Struggling for a story to top these two, I worked up some crocodile tears and came up with the best tidbit that I could under my young White Girl Problem circumstances.
Baby Girl Sensory: “Well, you know what? It’s really sad but I don’t think I’m getting a Koosa (those Cabbage Patch Kid animal things) this year for Christmas and I don’t know what to do about it. I mean, my kids (Cabbage Patch) really want a pet.”
Seriously. Someone just slap me.
I did get that Koosa, by the way. If you are interested, I found some here. I think mine was the orange tabby cat. Upon closer scrutiny, Koosas now remind me of Ben Vereen in that godawful Zoobilee Zoo show.
You’re totally going to have nightmares about Koosas and Ben Vereen now. Yes, those would be classified as White Girl Sleeping Problems.