No that’s not a typo. ‘Unenjoyment’ is a word my friend and I coined several years ago. Today those who Blog Every Day in November (#BEDN) will be capturing moments in their everyday lives. Boy, you people are totally in for a treat*.
7:21 AM – Look at all the notifications on your phone. Note than none are from potential employers and take stock in how crazy people can be this early in the morning. Now shut that phone off and go back to sleep. This is not the kind of ‘vibrate’ your body needs right now.
8:17 AM – Get up. Make some coffee. Contemplate making breakfast but don’t eat just yet. You can’t afford a monthly gym membership and you’ll be hungrier in a few hours. Take a shower to get your mind off food. Wash and blow out your hair. Peruse your grey strands and acknowledge the fact that you really need to dye your roots. Decide to wait another week. No one’s looking at you anyway and you have cute winter hats.
10:03 AM – Drive here for a Brazilian bikini wax. Don’t be a terrible mother. Just because you don’t have a job doesn’t mean your vagina has to suffer.
11:05 AM – Look at the job sites. Marvel at the fact that searching the words ‘marketing director’ and ‘director of public relations’ results in occupations such as ‘receptionist’ and ‘apprentice’ at the Chipotle Mexican Grill. Think about how you gave up time with your dying mother to pursue your master’s degree. Get good and discouraged.
11:38 AM – Go on social media and stalk people. Marvel at the fact that two ugly people made such a cute baby and that two pretty people made such an ugly baby. Feel better about yourself and count your genetic blessings.
11:59 AM – Go back on the job sites and find that one random job that mildly piques your interest and apply for it while that fleeting moment of feeling better about yourself lasts.
1:09 PM – Congrats! You can eat now. Recall that time when one of your gay male friends told you that you look like Mary Louise Parker. Imagine this is what you look like this while you bake in your kitchen. Every. Damn. Time.
2:12 PM – Check your phone. Remind yourself you’re not talking to certain people right now because they suck. Now put your phone down. Now pick it back up again and relegate yourself into Facebook purgatory. Look at the event invites with silent contempt that people just don’t understand that you can’t afford to go out several nights a week right now. Hit ‘decline.’
2:38 PM – Begin to touch your face and feel for zits or stray hairs, but try to avoid your tweezers. Your thinning eyebrows are a direct correlation to your present mental state and you do not need to go on Latisse. Girl, that shit is expensive!
2:47 PM – Take a look at your checkbook and credit card receipts. Now quick – look away before you cry! It’s a frickin’ disaster and crying makes you look like a bubble-eye goldfish.
3:10 PM – Contemplate opening a bottle of wine and then just do it. Who cares, right? You were ready, willing, and able to work today and ain’t nobody callin’. Make a mental note of any cheap wines you enjoy. The fact that you aren’t working means your liver should compensate by working much harder. Recall you have plans with a friend. Stop drinking wine.
3:36 PM – Your also ‘unenjoyed’ neighbors are now getting loud next door. Start a music medley with Jane Says by Jane’s Addiction. Oh yeah, they think they’re getting alternative but throw them off and move into Queen Latifah mode. Maybe insert Beyonce’s Single Ladies and dance around. This is the most movement you’ll be getting all day. Then pick a current annoying pop tune of your choice. Play it really loud. I recommend that new and awful Timber song by Pitbull and Ke$ha, if you can tolerate it. That’s what earplugs are for. Now end this compilation with It’s Not Unusual by Tom Jones and then go quiet. You know, keep those bitches next door on their toes!
4:01 PM – Put on makeup. Notice your eyelids look more like crepe paper than those of a bubble-eye goldfish. Resolve to apply even more eye cream and drink more water. Pour another glass of wine instead. Eat something else. It will only save you money later on your outing. Observe the sheer volume of kale in your refrigerator and then choose cheese.
5:28 PM – Glance around. Take stock in the state of the pigsty better known as your apartment. Come to the conclusion that like your hair, no one else is looking at it. Turn off the light and go out for the evening. Today was rough, you totally deserve it, and tomorrow is another day.
*Please note: This post is both derisive and satirical in nature.